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September 9th, 2007

08:34 pm - sometimes i wonder...
...where life will take me next... or if i'm feeling pro-active, where i will decide to take my life next = P i've just started teaching at a new school..and its awesome! don't take this as i'm thinking about moving on, because i'm not.. i could totally see myself staying at this school for awhile... its great, the students are awesome, the staff is super fun and very supportive and i have great classes that i'm teaching (a current events class, focusing on humanitarian efforts, especially concerning Africa at this point, as well as a 9th grade engineering class (integrated math 1 - alg/geo, and earth science), and an advisement class)... so everythings going great. i work way too hard, but i do enjoy it.

i guess what brought this on is my current events class... in order to find out more information to give and teach my students about the genocide that is happening in Darfur, along with all the other wars and atrocities happening in Africa, and around the world (which we will get to eventually), i've been reading a lot and watching lots of movies. i've been going online and looking at different organizations and trying to figure out what we can do to make a difference. i looked at www.invisiblechildren.com, which i've been to numerous times and bought lots of merchandise from... and i read that there is a teacher exchange program that happened this past summer... i'm hoping they have another one next summer and if so i would totally apply for that and hopefully be able to go to uganda for a month and teach students over there... that would be incredibly amazing! my heart bleeds for the African people who are so caught up in the wars and have never known peace, and i would love to do something, anything, to help. i would love to go to Africa, as long as it was safe... and with this program, it sounds like it would be. i love the possibilities. i could definitely see myself doing this, so i'm going to cross my fingers and hope that it actually happens (and spend lots of time on that application!)

so that's my update. i know its been awhile livejournal population, but not much as moved me to waste time writing on here when i've been way too busy and haven't had much free time at all. = P

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August 5th, 2007

08:33 pm - trust
how do you go about trusting others again and befriending new people when your whole perception of people and life has radically shifted? how do you go about giving trust back in people when someone has taken the trust you gave them and, for lack of a nicer phrase, stomped in to the ground? what do you do when you realize someone has been toying with you, manipulating you, for several years, and you let it happen? is it more a reflection of myself or him? do i have to change because i realize i'm much too naive and trusting and people in this world are not as trustworthy? or was that one person just a fluke that got past my defenses? that people are naturally good and i need to continue to trust people as a whole?

shit, i haven't felt this depressed in a long time. my head hurts. my heart aches.

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01:36 pm - reflections
i think i'm a pretty caring person. i always put myself out there. i put others before me. i would go through hell for those i care about. i never thought someone would abuse that, would twist things around, would make me feel like the worst person ever.

so i'm hurt, i'm frustrated, i'm angry, i'm sad, and i'm going to make changes in my life. i've been much too naive for too long. i've let too many things go and have been too unaware. i need to be aware of who i am, who people are around me. i need to be open more with certain people and less open with others. i need to weed out people in my life who are bad for me.

friends are supposed to be supportive and caring. when you're going through a tough time, they're there to support you. if they don't do that, then fuck them, they're not your friend.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed

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July 5th, 2007

08:27 am - :-(
I lost my prescription sunglasses at the beach. :-( It was all my fault and I was stupid and wore them into the water and a big wave came and crashed over me and I lost my glasses. :-( I only had them for like 2 weeks too. *tear* Now I have to see if I can order new ones exactly like those over the phone with Costco.... *sigh*
Current Mood: blahblah

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July 4th, 2007

07:56 am - summer program
so things are off and running in the summer program. i found out about a week ago now that instead of teaching the math class, i'll be coordinating again (some staff rearrangements were necessary). so i had to step up and catch up on all the stuff that i would have gotten done like a week or two before. but things are so much smoother now. this is our 4th day down in SD, and things are going very well. last summer was definitely a learning curve, but i know what to expect now and how to do a much better job and even though i feel much more tired and that i've been working harder, i think its going so much better.

so yah, things are going well. i'm tired, but thats to be expected in the summer. = )

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June 27th, 2007

10:30 pm - ahhh!
grr...ahhh... *pulling hair out* - or at least doing all of those things in my mind, along with repeatedly smashing my head against a wall

but deep inside, a bit excited, happy too

oh what a tiring summer this will be.

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June 23rd, 2007

10:47 pm - relevation
ever have those conversations that really make you open your mind and say wow, i can't believe i never thought of that before? that lightbulb effect where things suddenly seem crystal clear? amazing. i feel like i've been brainwashed or under some trance for such a long time. i mean, i realize i'm not going to immediately change or anything and this relevation is something i have to continue to work on, but i feel like i've really closed myself off and i don't like that. i think the reason i don't have a lot of close friends is because i limit myself, not because i don't find people i could be friends with. i'm too picky, too demanding, too critical of others.

so i'm excited about growing up and changing. = ) i'm also super tired from all my work. and i'm also enjoying the summer program - all the staff are great, and some are cute too ;-)

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June 18th, 2007

07:11 pm - Teaching Assignment
I finally heard back from the principal that i'll be teaching integrated math 3 (mainly algebra 2 with some precalc/trig tossed in there) and chemistry. Now i'm nervous. Chemistry... it's been quite awhile.

Update: Then principal just emailed me again saying sorry, they won't be able to integrate math and science because the chem teacher can't handle math...which prob means that would leave me with 4 one-hour periods of algebra 2 only. that sucks. i want block (2 hr) periods. two classes. math and science. even tho chem intimidates me, i need a challenge. i need to be pushed. i need to work hard. i don't like things when they get boring or repetitive. so i emailed him back and asked him for another option - either i can work with the chem teacher to prep him more, or he can assign me to another grade. let's see what he says....
Current Mood: nervousnervous

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June 17th, 2007

08:39 pm - speak on sister
Remeber back in da time
When the only sign we had was picket
But now in 94 it be this way something come wicked
G-angs killing others for colors
Thangs that we wear for fashion
Other brothers take it for a reason to be blasting
What the kcuf is going on
Not soft like buttercups
But had enough of singing that same song
See I stayed across the street from the projects
Took out your momma trash and groceries
To her trunk to keep my pockets
Fat like cellulite only been to jail one week
For some shulbit and I pray to God I won't repeat
I should have pulled it when I had the chance to
No I shouldna did that cause if I did that
Ya'll would not hear that fat shit
That keeps you on your tippy-
Toes like that sellout not callin no names
But really who's bad
I go through obstacles like a whole box of comdoms
You can't forget where you come from

Take a good look in the mirror
And tell me do you like what you see
Masters of deception corruption and evil
But you're always quick to point the finger at me
Won't somebody tell me

I just don't understand
The ways of the world today
Sometimes I feel like there's nothing to live for
So I'm longing for the days of yesterday

What gave you the right to misjudge me
And right me off on the wall
Acting as if you understand me
In reality you just don't know me at all
Sometimes I can't help but wonder
If this was how it's meant to be
But if you search deep enough in your soul
You'll always find a slight reminder of me
Won't somebody tell me

I just don't understand
The ways of the world today
Sometimes I feel like there's nothing to live for
So I'm longing for the days of yesterday

If we could all agree to lettin'
Our souls become free of that sweet
Bitterness then whose chest would
Have the most seeds
I keep misconfusin' my needs
And this stress on my back
With them caps they be blastin'
Into my knap sack
Ain't no accidental deathtraps
My mishap is the fact that
I'm destined to snap
It's when I feel as though my body's
Able to go my mind is ready to flow
Did you know first you catch and then I throw
It's my own sense of time
If I'm late it's cause I'm endin my day
Just when the sun shines
And still gently advising the arisin'
Of the moon as it rolls around
Into my soundproof dimension

I just don't understand
The ways of the world today
Sometimes I feel like there's nothing to live for
So I'm longing for the days of yesterday

I just don't understand
The ways of the world today
Sometimes I feel like there's nothing to live for
So I'm longing for the days of yesterday

- TLC "Sumthin' Wicked This Way Comes"
Current Music: some dope ass music (TLC)

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June 16th, 2007

09:41 pm - wow

they are so frickin awesome. i want to dance like them. wow. i love guys who can dance ;-)

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